Topic: My Masochistic Mind
+Ryan Rabbithole — 8.5 years ago #49,669
I really want to live and recover, but fear drugs (weed, coke, crack, shrooms, LSD, MDMA, etc.) have ravaged my brain, and I wrestle with suicidal thoughts on a daily basis.I have been physically and emotionally abused by multiple women and my dad beat me as a child.
This has conditioned me to enjoy pain and humiliation. I routinely slap myself in the face, publicly-humiliate myself (especially on the Internet), and I get my girl to punch, choke, scratch, and gouge me.
I know probably seem like an attention whore, but I really just need help and am in-pain.
Too much coffee has my mind racing today, and I'm crying, listening to depressive music (Stone Sour, NIN, Stabbing Westward, orgy, Smashing Pumpkins, Elliott Smith, Beck's darker shit. etc.)
My girl's ex hung himself this Thanksgiving, so I couldn't put her through that agony again, but I feel worthless. People ridicule or ignore me.
I just want a shoulder to cry on or an accepting community. I went through a bi-curious phase, but even the homo community rejected me. Vegans chide me for being an addict. Anons dislike me for a multitude of reasons.
The pain is overwhelming. I had 10 reconstructive surgeries, and was bullied and ostracized throughout school. I've never had many friends irl, except during my short-lived raver-phase. Nobody truly understands The Eco. The medical system has failed me.
Why do I over-share. A desperate plea for help, I suppose, but my need for validation will bury me in the end.
*sobs self-pityingly*
Sorry boys, I'll shut up for now.
+Anonymous B — 8.5 years ago, 49 seconds later[T] [B] #536,763
@OP
Keep your shit to one thread, eco.
Keep your shit to one thread, eco.
+Anonymous C — 8.5 years ago, 20 seconds later, 1 minute after the original post[T] [B] #536,764
·Ryan Rabbithole (OP) — 8.5 years ago, 38 seconds later, 1 minute after the original post[T] [B] #536,765
·Eco (OP) — 8.5 years ago, 18 minutes later, 20 minutes after the original post[T] [B] #536,768
When the pain gets too much, I tell myself:omnia vincit amor (Love conquers all)
&
Illegitimi non carborundum (Don't let the bastards grind you down).
I leave you with this Ode To 'Adina Ma Queena'. The only thing that's keeping the razorblade out-of-my-hand right now...
+Eco — 8.5 years ago, 14 minutes later, 34 minutes after the original post[T] [B] #536,770
The pain with which I wrestleIs stored inside a vessel
The places I’ve been
Which no man has scarcely seen
Eat me alive, they’re too obscene
I can feel death as it approaches
Until I’m eaten by rats and roaches
Yet there’s a guiding force that coaches
Me through my darkest days
Somewhere inside it stays
I’ve been through hell and back
Yet I have fallen off-the-track
My brain is out-of-whack
Once again
+Anonymous E — 8.5 years ago, 12 minutes later, 46 minutes after the original post[T] [B] #536,771
Accidental post.
(Edited 7 minutes later.)
·Kinno Elms — 8.5 years ago, 6 minutes later, 53 minutes after the original post[T] [B] #536,773
+Anonymous F — 8.5 years ago, 4 hours later, 4 hours after the original post[T] [B] #536,793
@OP
You're in therapy and you stopped using, yeah? Keep it up and you'll get closer to normalcy in time, bud.
You're in therapy and you stopped using, yeah? Keep it up and you'll get closer to normalcy in time, bud.
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