TinyChan

For a transgender person to experience a type of ego trip that they keep their previous version of themselves around as a tulpa? That one thought form in an attempt to not feel lonely. This was something that I personally experienced. I've long desired to have the same life that "he" had. He always wanted to have children and be a father. When I started medically transitioning in 2016 and again in late 2018 after a long pause to potentially fulfill his own desire, and my own, to have children. I don't think he knew what he liked in terms of romance and love and while I'm only slightly unsure, and I'm open to dating women, I always wanted a husband. To be a wife and mother deep down inside.

And because of this I think I stored his personality as a tulpa. I couldn't see his face for so long, because it always changed based on certain moods or other varying factors. But the past few months I think this thought-form, call it an imaginary friend and I'll kill you metaphorically, he always hated that term. It was derogatory.

During long nights when I'm awake. He was there to hold me and make sure I slept through the night. And sure, this may sound like some kind of self-incest relationship, but considering how he was a part of me, he was also my brother. He'd told me there will come a time when he'd needed to depart me. Mostly if I found someone, and if that went a rye, he'd be back. Yet it feels different this time. I feel like he may have finally went where dead tulpas go.

Now I'm here alone. He told me that I no longer needed him either because someone else came into my life, will come into my life, or because perhaps, and I don't remember him saying this in our special "thought-space" deep in my mind, my subconscious, but when I'm ready to stand on my own as who I am. Maybe even all of the above, who knows.

How can I cope with this given it's such an unique experience?